Always Question

Thursday morning, April 21, 2016, the musician Prince unexpectedly died. Thursday evening, I read through the myriad of social media comments, and made my own. I reminisced with others about the impact his life, his music, his art, had on me. The next morning, as I sifted through the various comments there was one that caught my eye. It was from an old high school friend who was questioning the fuss the world, specifically I, was making regarding the death of Prince. He shared that he could not, would not, did not, understand how I could mourn someone I did not know when there are others who are more deserving of my tears.

As one who does not engage in absolutisms, my initial reaction was to engage in dialog, to attempt to explain my perspective which was, and is, two-fold. First I mourn the loss of life, second, my mourning is deeply tied to the role the music played as a soundtrack to my development. Prince’s death represents the death of a part of my youth and a reminder of the fragility of life. The more I tried to explain, the more strident this friend became in his responses. We ended the conversation by agreeing to disagree and reaffirming the friendship. But, if I am truthful, I was actually hurt, and to a degree, offended.

Because of my visceral reaction I began to question the veracity of my internal response.  I pondered this interaction and my feelings throughout the weekend.  In a world where people become locked into their own opinions, dismissing others with the click of a button, what has happened to agreeing to disagree? What has happened to questioning our motives as well as that of others?  What has happened to looking at life through the lens of someone else’s perspective?

He may never say it directly; however, I began to contemplate this friend’s role in society. He is a military officer currently stationed abroad. His perspective of the world, and interaction with it, is different than mine. Because he has a different world view, his reactions to some issues in turn are different.  Not better, or worse, simply different.

He did not go in depth, nor does he have to, regarding his underlying emotions.  However, I could speculate he experienced frustration when he knows there are many men and women who die for noble causes without their deaths being acknowledged. There are no outpourings of sympathy, no buildings lit, they die and that's the end.

The more I thought, the more my perspective began to expand. I am of the belief that the world is not a zero sum game. My view is one of, both and, not either or.  In my understanding of the world, multiple things can, and do, exist at the same time. For instance, I can respect someone as a person, while I may be diametrically opposed to some of their opinions.

As a society I wonder if we will learn to talk about the validity of issues without making personal attacks? I wonder if we will ever be able to understand that there is a person who has her/his own beliefs, values, and opinions on the other side of a discussion?  I wonder if we will ever learn that every discussion does not have to turn into an argument of who’s right and who’s wrong? I wonder if we will ever realize that both sides may be right and that the solution rests somewhere in between?

I am deeply grateful to this person for challenging me, whether intentional or not, to think deeper. There are so many large, world changing issues that we face from extreme poverty, to war, to hunger and starvation, to even, yes, how we respond to the senseless loss of life. At this point in history, we need to not only challenge the perspectives of others, but to question our own perspectives and motives. Frantz Fanon said it best, “My final prayer: O my body, make of me always a (wo)man who questions!”

Who deserves it?

As a researcher and an intellectual I'm always looking for intersections, the connections between seemingly disparate events. As I scrolled through my Twitter feed and Facebook threads, three distinct conversations emerged: The Nina Simone biopic, the Republican primary, and the Flint, Michigan water poisoning. Seemingly disconnected events; yet, all eliciting deep emotional responses.

The more I read, the more I took note of my initial, visceral, emotional responses to each topic. As I pondered, the word deservedness came to mind. Who deserves it? When I use the word deservedness I am referring to someone who has rightly earned, be it positive or negative, their outcome.

Given this context for deservedness, how are these three issues related? To his followers, the Republican frontrunner has made a cohesive argument that they deserve a better life than they currently have. Within his argument is the undercurrent that those other people have misappropriated something he and his followers have earned. The argument further implies those other people don't deserve the life they have, they didn’t earn it.

In the case of the water poisoning in Flint there was a cost-benefit analysis where the fiscal benefit was weighed against public safety.  The decision was made that the opportunity for fiscal reward outweighed the risk of poisoning the water supply. The unspoken argument was financial savings were worth more than the safety of the people who lived in that community. As the argument over how the problem should be fixed continues, the question remains, do the people of Flint deserve clean water? Have they done something to earn it?

Then there’s Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone. On one side there are those who argue she has earned the right to play the part based on her stellar acting skills and box office draw. There are others who argue she does not deserve the part because she is the wrong color and someone else deserves it more. At the core are two sides to the same coin where one side feels their argument of deservedness is better than the other.

The question of deservedness is nuanced. It requires one to examine the beliefs that fuel situations. Sustainable change is dependent upon deeply understanding our own beliefs and acknowledging others may have antithetical views. How do we gain better understanding of our beliefs in order to drive sustainable change? As people we like quick easy answers, we see inequity from our perspective and we want to fix it…from our perspective. We are in a perilous time, there are no easy answers, only hard questions. I am of the belief that now is the time to do the hard work, our children’s children deserve it.

Journey into 2016

The deafening sound of my thoughts filled my head. There is no buffer, no filter, no distractor…there is only, me. How am I going to survive the next 31 days? Maybe I should ease into fasting. I’ll simply grab a glass of wine, get some chocolate or just a teaspoon of peanut butter, and click through my Facebook feed. No one will know if I cheat. And really, it’s not cheating. I set the rules to my fast. If I want to change them I can! As I opened my computer and entered “F” in the address line I stopped. I’d know. I closed the computer. The day is January 2nd, 2016.

Detoxing is hard. Changing habits is harder. Where I once filled hours trolling Facebook and snacking I had to find something different to do. There were times I’d write, times I’d read, times I’d work out, times I did absolutely nothing save listening to my heartbeat and the power of my thoughts. People meditate, pray, fast for many reasons. For me it’s about discipline and obedience. Where at the beginning of the month the thought of no Facebook, no sugar, no wine, no processed food, and, for the first 10 days, no solid food, was unimaginable. By the end of the month I could imagine no other way.

As I cleansed my mind, body, spirit during the 2016 reset, these were my top 3 lessons:

1. I eat and troll Facebook when I’m bored. More accurately, when I don’t feel like being fully present with my thoughts. Eating and Facebooking are wonderful distractors from building relationships and engaging in deep interactions with self and others.

2. I have 4 categories of people in my life. Faux-friends, Facebook-friends, Family-friends, and Frenemies. Faux-friends are like acquaintances. These are people I run into and we’ll say “email me, we have to get together,” and we never do. We like each other, we simply aren’t fully vested in the relationship. Facebook-friends are the people I’m connected to through Facebook only. We may have met at some point and time; but, now our interaction is limited to Facebook. We read each other’s posts and are genuinely concerned about the others well-being in Facebookland. Family-friends are my favorite. These are the people I can call (well in most cases text) at 4:30am and they respond. Sometimes with a WTF; but, they respond never the less. We can go years without talking and pick up like a heartbeat. We’re in rhythm, aligned. Family-friends are those I trust in my heart-space. The last group are Frenemies. I knew frenemies existed, I just wasn’t aware I had any. Frenemies wear the guise of the other categories, so they are difficult to detect. As a rule, I practice “talk to me not about me or simply ignore my existence.” I forget everyone is not this way; there are people who only feel better when they are spreading negativity. 

3. I have extremely “soft” feelings. My mom used to tell me this when I was a child. It holds true today. I cry for the pain of others, I’m disheartened by inequity, my feelings are easily hurt, and I get frustrated when I’m misunderstood... And, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My “soft” feelings are part of what makes me – me.

This year have you taken time to stop, to reset, to be fully present with you? What did you discover? What is left to uncover? Remember, you’re the only person you’re guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life. Treat yourself well!