Travel Journal #2

Travel journal #2, March 17, 2019
Impromptu trips are often the best.  This weekend I had opportunity to fly up to Seattle to take my granddaughter on her first trip to the aquarium. I will unpack the question of socioeconomic status and privilege in later entries, these concepts are not the focus of today.

In 1963, 6 years before my birth,  Albert A. Goodson wrote, “We've come this far by faith,  leaning on the Lord...” As I fly home from Seattle these words reverberate in my soul. #MyBlackStory starts with faith.  One can take any point in my life's timeline and see examples of faith. I choose, as a reference point, November 18, 2016. When I look at her, I see the power of faith.  From a feisty 1 pounder born 3 months early to a 2-year-old 25 pounder who, although I didn't think it was possible, is even more feisty and opinionated.

How does she, the embodiment of my heart,  fit into the narrative of blackness? She is the amalgamation of the constructs of blackness and whiteness - an interesting shade of beige.  With birth rates for those identified as black and white declining, the probability exists that Nyah’s, Black story will be written in hues yet to be discovered.

But,  I digress,  I was speaking of faith.  In her inauguration poem Maya Angelou wrote,  “...Sold, stolen, arriving on a nightmare - Praying for a dream...” as a description of the story of the ancestors.  In order to endure the brutal, inhuman, inhumane institution of enslavement, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights era, the ancestors,  my grandparents, my mom, my dad, aunties and uncles survived, and in many cases thrived, on the solid rock of faith.

As I search for answers there are only more questions.Can the story of blackness be told without also telling the story of faith?  In our current generations, how does faith play out? Have we, the collective identified as Black in the United States, abandoned our “North Star” of faith?

Then, I look at her, “...Trusting in his holy word. He never failed me yet. Woah, Woah, Woah, Can't turn around…” Faith was, and continues to be, the foundation of #MyBlackStory.

The 400 year anniversary, of the landing of the first captives on the Atlantic shore of the United States, quest continues.  The original two questions remain,What are the lived experiences within the many expressions of blackness? To what extent do I “fit” into the global African quilt?

#MyBlackStory #Unleashed

Travel Journal Excerpt #1

You get very different versions of history depending upon where you start.  For instance if you start my history with the death of my father, a pivotal point in my life,  you have the story of a fatherless girl. If you start with the birth of my son,  you have a different story. If you fast forward and start with today, February 28, 2019,  you have a completely different story - the story of an almost 50 year old woman who is the embodiment of all of the various moments in my life while representing none.

This year, 2019,  represents the 400 year anniversary of the 20 Angolan captives who arrived in Virginia aboard the “White Lion” ship. I often wonder if any of them, both the captives and the captors, knew that 400 years later we would still be grappling with the vestiges of slavery.

This year, in acknowledgment of those who survived the brutal institution of slavery so that I may celebrate 50 years, I am going on a journey.  Five countries representing the African continent and diaspora to explore the experience of living in this, our shared black skin. The questions:  What are lived experiences within the many expressions of blackness? To what extent do I “fit” into the global African quilt?

First stop, Trinidad, Carnival, pure unadulterated, pleasure.  Observations from this trip:

- Tens of thousands of Black people from around the globe can gather without violence

- Law enforcement can be present without being oppressive

- No one NO ONE can party like people with shared African ancestry

- I am not an introvert (this concept will be unpacked later)

- There is a common, unspoken language encoded in blackness

Next stop on the journey Barbados. #MyBlackStory #UNLEASHED

Always Question

Thursday morning, April 21, 2016, the musician Prince unexpectedly died. Thursday evening, I read through the myriad of social media comments, and made my own. I reminisced with others about the impact his life, his music, his art, had on me. The next morning, as I sifted through the various comments there was one that caught my eye. It was from an old high school friend who was questioning the fuss the world, specifically I, was making regarding the death of Prince. He shared that he could not, would not, did not, understand how I could mourn someone I did not know when there are others who are more deserving of my tears.

As one who does not engage in absolutisms, my initial reaction was to engage in dialog, to attempt to explain my perspective which was, and is, two-fold. First I mourn the loss of life, second, my mourning is deeply tied to the role the music played as a soundtrack to my development. Prince’s death represents the death of a part of my youth and a reminder of the fragility of life. The more I tried to explain, the more strident this friend became in his responses. We ended the conversation by agreeing to disagree and reaffirming the friendship. But, if I am truthful, I was actually hurt, and to a degree, offended.

Because of my visceral reaction I began to question the veracity of my internal response.  I pondered this interaction and my feelings throughout the weekend.  In a world where people become locked into their own opinions, dismissing others with the click of a button, what has happened to agreeing to disagree? What has happened to questioning our motives as well as that of others?  What has happened to looking at life through the lens of someone else’s perspective?

He may never say it directly; however, I began to contemplate this friend’s role in society. He is a military officer currently stationed abroad. His perspective of the world, and interaction with it, is different than mine. Because he has a different world view, his reactions to some issues in turn are different.  Not better, or worse, simply different.

He did not go in depth, nor does he have to, regarding his underlying emotions.  However, I could speculate he experienced frustration when he knows there are many men and women who die for noble causes without their deaths being acknowledged. There are no outpourings of sympathy, no buildings lit, they die and that's the end.

The more I thought, the more my perspective began to expand. I am of the belief that the world is not a zero sum game. My view is one of, both and, not either or.  In my understanding of the world, multiple things can, and do, exist at the same time. For instance, I can respect someone as a person, while I may be diametrically opposed to some of their opinions.

As a society I wonder if we will learn to talk about the validity of issues without making personal attacks? I wonder if we will ever be able to understand that there is a person who has her/his own beliefs, values, and opinions on the other side of a discussion?  I wonder if we will ever learn that every discussion does not have to turn into an argument of who’s right and who’s wrong? I wonder if we will ever realize that both sides may be right and that the solution rests somewhere in between?

I am deeply grateful to this person for challenging me, whether intentional or not, to think deeper. There are so many large, world changing issues that we face from extreme poverty, to war, to hunger and starvation, to even, yes, how we respond to the senseless loss of life. At this point in history, we need to not only challenge the perspectives of others, but to question our own perspectives and motives. Frantz Fanon said it best, “My final prayer: O my body, make of me always a (wo)man who questions!”

Who deserves it?

As a researcher and an intellectual I'm always looking for intersections, the connections between seemingly disparate events. As I scrolled through my Twitter feed and Facebook threads, three distinct conversations emerged: The Nina Simone biopic, the Republican primary, and the Flint, Michigan water poisoning. Seemingly disconnected events; yet, all eliciting deep emotional responses.

The more I read, the more I took note of my initial, visceral, emotional responses to each topic. As I pondered, the word deservedness came to mind. Who deserves it? When I use the word deservedness I am referring to someone who has rightly earned, be it positive or negative, their outcome.

Given this context for deservedness, how are these three issues related? To his followers, the Republican frontrunner has made a cohesive argument that they deserve a better life than they currently have. Within his argument is the undercurrent that those other people have misappropriated something he and his followers have earned. The argument further implies those other people don't deserve the life they have, they didn’t earn it.

In the case of the water poisoning in Flint there was a cost-benefit analysis where the fiscal benefit was weighed against public safety.  The decision was made that the opportunity for fiscal reward outweighed the risk of poisoning the water supply. The unspoken argument was financial savings were worth more than the safety of the people who lived in that community. As the argument over how the problem should be fixed continues, the question remains, do the people of Flint deserve clean water? Have they done something to earn it?

Then there’s Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone. On one side there are those who argue she has earned the right to play the part based on her stellar acting skills and box office draw. There are others who argue she does not deserve the part because she is the wrong color and someone else deserves it more. At the core are two sides to the same coin where one side feels their argument of deservedness is better than the other.

The question of deservedness is nuanced. It requires one to examine the beliefs that fuel situations. Sustainable change is dependent upon deeply understanding our own beliefs and acknowledging others may have antithetical views. How do we gain better understanding of our beliefs in order to drive sustainable change? As people we like quick easy answers, we see inequity from our perspective and we want to fix it…from our perspective. We are in a perilous time, there are no easy answers, only hard questions. I am of the belief that now is the time to do the hard work, our children’s children deserve it.

Journey into 2016

The deafening sound of my thoughts filled my head. There is no buffer, no filter, no distractor…there is only, me. How am I going to survive the next 31 days? Maybe I should ease into fasting. I’ll simply grab a glass of wine, get some chocolate or just a teaspoon of peanut butter, and click through my Facebook feed. No one will know if I cheat. And really, it’s not cheating. I set the rules to my fast. If I want to change them I can! As I opened my computer and entered “F” in the address line I stopped. I’d know. I closed the computer. The day is January 2nd, 2016.

Detoxing is hard. Changing habits is harder. Where I once filled hours trolling Facebook and snacking I had to find something different to do. There were times I’d write, times I’d read, times I’d work out, times I did absolutely nothing save listening to my heartbeat and the power of my thoughts. People meditate, pray, fast for many reasons. For me it’s about discipline and obedience. Where at the beginning of the month the thought of no Facebook, no sugar, no wine, no processed food, and, for the first 10 days, no solid food, was unimaginable. By the end of the month I could imagine no other way.

As I cleansed my mind, body, spirit during the 2016 reset, these were my top 3 lessons:

1. I eat and troll Facebook when I’m bored. More accurately, when I don’t feel like being fully present with my thoughts. Eating and Facebooking are wonderful distractors from building relationships and engaging in deep interactions with self and others.

2. I have 4 categories of people in my life. Faux-friends, Facebook-friends, Family-friends, and Frenemies. Faux-friends are like acquaintances. These are people I run into and we’ll say “email me, we have to get together,” and we never do. We like each other, we simply aren’t fully vested in the relationship. Facebook-friends are the people I’m connected to through Facebook only. We may have met at some point and time; but, now our interaction is limited to Facebook. We read each other’s posts and are genuinely concerned about the others well-being in Facebookland. Family-friends are my favorite. These are the people I can call (well in most cases text) at 4:30am and they respond. Sometimes with a WTF; but, they respond never the less. We can go years without talking and pick up like a heartbeat. We’re in rhythm, aligned. Family-friends are those I trust in my heart-space. The last group are Frenemies. I knew frenemies existed, I just wasn’t aware I had any. Frenemies wear the guise of the other categories, so they are difficult to detect. As a rule, I practice “talk to me not about me or simply ignore my existence.” I forget everyone is not this way; there are people who only feel better when they are spreading negativity. 

3. I have extremely “soft” feelings. My mom used to tell me this when I was a child. It holds true today. I cry for the pain of others, I’m disheartened by inequity, my feelings are easily hurt, and I get frustrated when I’m misunderstood... And, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My “soft” feelings are part of what makes me – me.

This year have you taken time to stop, to reset, to be fully present with you? What did you discover? What is left to uncover? Remember, you’re the only person you’re guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life. Treat yourself well!

I Manifest New Beginnings Not Caring What People Think

At the beginning of each year I evaluate the “theme of the year.” I do a full analysis of where things went well, where there was space for improvement, and I determine what changes need to be made for the next year.

  

Unlike previous years the 2015 theme took time to unfold.  Usually by the end of one year I know the direction in which I need to go in order to move towards the vision I have for my life.  For example the theme for 2013 was “life without fear.”  This was an easy theme to set as it came after a tumultuous 2012 that was marked by selling my home, divorcing, and finishing my dissertation.  I knew that if I could do those things with knees knocking and tears streaming I was pretty much up for anything. I marked the beginning of “life without fear” by doing something I had never done…putting on a pair of running shoes and completing a 5k.  The 5k was scary; but, what was more terrifying was putting myself in an environment to make new friends. As quiet as it’s kept I’m an introvert.  I seek deep relationships with a few people versus surface relationships with many. To put myself in a position where I was with hundreds of people without one airbag friend was one of my biggest fears realized.  However, from that race, “The Resolution Run,” I met friends from the Sacramento Sister Circle and Black Girls Run!

Life without fear

After 13 half-marathons in 2013, many of which I ran by myself, setting the theme for 2014 was easy.  2014 became the “Year of the Myth Buster.”  This was the year was about defy what other people thought I was capable of doing AND to do my part to defy stereotypes.  It was the year I ran my first marathon and chased away the myths of impossibility. It was marked by excellence and shifting definitions from what people thought I should feel and believe to the reality of who I am in this space in time.  The myth buster year was the year I challenged others to shift from looking at, and responding to, events to identifying and changing the belief systems that fuel the myths.

Myth-Buster

After a phenomenal 2013 and 2014 in came 2015. For months I struggled trying to determine what the “theme of the year” would be.  In mid-March the theme found me, it was simply, “Unleashed.”  There was dual focus for unleashed. First, it was about breaking the mental, physical, and spiritual chains that bound me. Second, unleashed was about unleashing my passion on this world to drive change for “the least of these.”  I learned that by helping others maximize their potential and assisting them in finding their voice I was able to indirectly serve humanity. This is not to say being unleashed is easy.  It’s about pressing forward, unbound.

UNLEASHED!

When I sat to write this end of year blog I had a theme, but it felt contrived, the words didn’t flow.  As I closed my computer and went to bed, I felt a little down.  The theme I wanted to have wasn’t the theme I needed to have.  As I prepared for sleep I checked to make sure my alarm was turned off.  I figured I’d sleep in and maybe inspiration would find me via a dream. As providence would have it I woke up at 6am, an hour before my usual alarm, from a deep sleep with no inspiration.  As I flossed my teeth I received a text, and a few minutes later a call, from a dear friend.  As we chatted about issues large and small, this is what I jotted down

I didn’t think anything of it at the time.  I went about morning chores of laundry and walking the dog.  As I prepared to shower the lines caught my attention.

I Manifest

New Beginnings

Not caring what people think

When I read it I felt uncomfortable. Who was I to think I could manifest something?  Who do I think I am?  This was clearly fear speaking.  As I learned from 2013, life is to be lived without fear. Of course I could manifest the vision for my life.  If not me who? 

Then I thought about New Beginnings…how trite…this is what everyone says at the beginning of each year.  Then it hit me, so what if they are.  The belief system that fuels the myth is that New Beginnings is talking about a New Year.  Yes, each year marks, as the calendar shows, a “new beginning.”  However, each new day is an opportunity to reset, as is every second in which we are blessed to take a breath.  The lesson learned from the  myth buster year of 2014 is that things are not always as they appear to be just because “Everyone” says it is so.

Lastly I read, “Not caring what people think.”  This one was hard for me.  I tried to change the words.  To say something that wasn’t as harsh.  Then the words to one of my favorite songs popped in my mind “life’s much too short to be living somebody else’s life…”  It’s not about not caring about people, it’s about not allowing the thoughts of others to dictate how you live.  This represented the final 2015 lesson of an unleashed year…unleashing the final chain …namely the opinions of others. As another dear friend says "the committee can have an opinion; but, they don't run my life."

So, it was within that moment the theme for 2016 was born.

I Manifest

New Beginnings

Not caring what people think

Do you know your theme for the year?  Are you making resolutions or establishing new goals?  If you are, are they in alignment with the vision you have for your life?  Do you know what that vision is?  If you have not replied with a resounding YES to these questions it’s time to reset. It’s time to boldly live life on purpose. 

To start 2016 off right I’m offering “Moving past New Year’s Resolutions:  How to cast a vision for your life and the steps to accomplishing it” session at a significantly reduced rate for 10 people.  I hope to see you there!

Life Lessons

Sitting at my desk doing some writing, I decided to turn on Netflix® and what should appear in my suggestions?  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  As I pressed play, I could not help but smile.  This is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It was released in Sacramento on Friday, June 13^th, 1986.  You may be saying, “How do you remember that date?”  Well, June 12^th, 1986 was the last day of my Junior Year of High School, it also happened to be the day my father died. 

So, why is this movie one of my all-time favorites when it was truly shrouded in the pain of loss?  Because it was while watching this movie that I promised myself to do the following:

1. Cherish friendships.  On what was the saddest day of my life to date, 4 life-long sister-friends were there.  I learned on that day to make friends that will be there in good times, but more importantly in the bad.
2. Find a way to laugh, especially when feeling low.  Laughter has a way of bringing everything into perspective.  Even in dark moments I find a way to laugh
3. Live my truth even if it doesn’t make sense to others.  People will always have opinions on how you should live your life; however, the only person you have to be with every day is you.  On that day so many years ago I learned for better or for worse, I had to be comfortable walking in my own truth.

This is my Flashback Thursday moment.  A few tears, but truly thrilled that nearly 30 years later these maxims I established for my life hold true. #myfit40s #livelifeonpurpose #iservetheleastofthese